Lost Self, Found Self

Lost Self by KNG
Self Portrait

I always thought I was my self
Seems I was not
Nothing but a product of conformity
a people pleaser,
attention needer
wannabee over achiever

Never allowing my real hair to grow
Nor my natural pale skin to fully show
Trying to look right,
to be good,
to fit in
Craving excitement,
for new things to begin

Using words I didn’t fully understand
Pretending my life was so,
so grand
Chasing perfection,
wanting more,
to be admired,
to be accepted
to be adored

Gave out false admiration,
requited unwanted attention
in the name of affection,
fearful of neglection

Laughed and smiled
when I didn’t really want to
frowned and challenged
when I thought I was supposed to

Made up dreams of ideals
desperate to pursue
Out with the old,
in with the new

Slowly the light came on inside
from myself I could no longer hide
Laziness, naivety, the flaws undisguised
My raw self
unravelling before my eyes
soon came the courage to accept who I am,
without the tries, the bleach,
the smile and the tan.

My lack of knowledge confirmed each day
the pretence of my past slipping further away
My lazy, hazy, dreaming ways accepted,
My true self’s feelings
listened to,
not rejected.